


cards against humanity: avengers edition

by evotter



Series: the adventures of spideychelle [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: CAH but the white cards are avengers themed, Gen, Peter is a Little Shit, i dont really know what this is, there is petermj but its minor, this is like. probably a crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2019-08-17
Packaged: 2020-09-05 19:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20278222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evotter/pseuds/evotter
Summary: Tony sighs. “Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us—America’s ass.”The entire room bursts into laughter.(or, wanda brings cards against humanity: avengers edition to game night.)





	cards against humanity: avengers edition

**Author's Note:**

> when i wrote leggo my eggo, i definitely said “avengers addition” because apparently i suck at grammar. anyway, i’m not even gonna edit it bc i want to be embarrassed of my mistake.

Michelle once considered the craziest moment of her life to be when she stood in her fake Spider-Man suit and took a bunch of pictures with the Avengers to prank the ever-living shit out of her best friend. By once considered, she means it was the craziest moment of her life until literally right now, as she sits on one of the couches in the common area of the Avengers facility, surrounded by a medley of superheroes, waiting for Scarlet Witch to bring in one of the best card games of all time.

“Yeah,” says Wanda, brandishing the black box in her hands. She sets it down on the table and opens it, pulling out stacks of black cards and stacks of white ones. “So, I ordered this online, but it was just a bunch of regular black cards and blank white cards. So I wrote my own.”

“Oh, great,” says Tony. “This should be fun.”

Wanda picks up the white cards and shuffles them. She forgets one, so Michelle picks it up, scanning the words she’d written in red marker. “Also, they’re getting a scathing review from me, Scarlet Witch.”

“What?” Peter inquires. “You’re Scarlet Witch? I had  _ no  _ idea.”

Michelle bursts out laughing, but it’s not at Peter’s joke. She hands the card back to Wanda, who just smirks.

Peter nudges her. “What did it say?”

“Nothing,” she lies. She’s not about to say  _ the ol’ webshooter  _ in front of a room of Avengers. She just hopes Tony’s the one to get the card. And she hopes she’s got her camera ready for when it’s read out loud.

“Isn’t this an adult game?” Sam wonders, after Wanda turns her attention to shuffling the black cards. “As in, if you’re not an adult, get out?”

“Hey.” Peter protests. He gestures to himself and Michelle. “We’re cool, man.”

“Your girlfriend’s cool.” Sam corrects. “I meant you. Get out. Go.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” Michelle agrees, annoyed at the twinge of guilt she feels at Peter’s expression. “I’m more of an Avenger than you, buddy.”

Peter sticks his tongue out. “Not fair,” he says. Wanda sets the cards down. “I got asked to be an Avenger, you know.”

“Yeah, and you turned it down.” Tony chimes in. “Don’t think I forgot about that.”

“Let him live.” Bucky says, leaning back against the chair he’s in. “Kid’s seventeen. He’s gotta at  _ least  _ finish high school, right?”

“Well, that’s the plan.” Peter says. “Although Mr. Stark asked me when I was fifteen.”

“Don’t give me that look.” Tony says in Steve’s general direction, not even looking up from his phone. 

“He was fourteen when he went to Germany.” Michelle adds helpfully. 

“You’re just as much of a little shit as he is, did you know?” Tony says, finally looking up from his phone to send a narrow-eyed glare in Michelle’s direction. “Seriously. I did  _ so much  _ for you for that prank and you just threw me under the bus like that?”

“MJ does that a lot.” Peter mused. 

Something wicked gleams in Tony’s eyes. “Well, if we’re sharing secrets and throwing people under buses, Pete, there’s something you should know about—”

No.  _ Ohhhh _ no. Michelle knows what he’s going to say. “Zip it, tin can,” she threatens. To her surprise, the billionaire's mouth actually snaps shut.

“Not that this isn’t entertaining.” Wanda chimes in, flashing a charming smile at Michelle. “But could we actually start the game  _ before  _ you threaten death on everyone in the room?” 

“We should be on teams.” Peter suggests, leaning back on the couch. His hand goes to lay on Michelle’s leg and if he notices the way Tony zeroes in on the movement, he doesn’t acknowledge it. “Since there’s so many of us.”

“You’re just saying that because if you’re not on my team, you’ll  _ lose  _ to me.” Michelle accuses. 

“I like teams.” Natasha cuts in. “At least to start out.”

“Okay.” Wanda says. “Teams it is. Before we split up, do we all know how to play this game?” She eyes Steve and Bucky sitting together on the opposite side of the table. 

Bucky snorts. His metal fingers glint in the light of the lamp to his right. “We might be a century old, but we’re not living under rocks. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into, kid.”

“Sure,” she answers, completely unconvinced. “So you and Steve are a team, I’m assuming. Peter and MJ?”

“Please,” says Peter. Michelle rolls her eyes.

“Natasha and I are going to kick all y’all’s asses.” Sam says from the opposite side of the table.

“Okay.” Wanda says, picking up the white cards. “That leaves me with Tony. All in agreement?”

She deals out seven white cards to each team around the table. Michelle grabs hers and peter’s immediately and fans them out. Her eyes barely scan all of them before Natasha is snatching one from her grip, pulling her phone out with her other hand. “That one’s good,” she says, holding her phone out. “I’m sending this one to Clint. He’s going to be so mad that he’s not here.”

Michelle looks at the card and snorts. “Yeah, where is he, anyway?”

“Laura’s got a bridal shower for a friend of hers,” Natasha answers, handing the card back to her. “So she’s out tonight. He’s having his own game night with the kids. I already bet him good money that Lila’s going to kick his ass at Monopoly.”

“Really?”

“What, you think Clint Barton is good at managing money?” the spy just raises her eyebrows.

“Fair point.” Michelle muses. “Tell him he still owes me my Starbucks from the last time I babysat.”

Natasha hums. “Will do,” she says, and after she’s sent the message, she pockets her phone again.

“Perfect.” Wanda sets the remaining white cards back into the box. “Stark and I will start.”

Peter’s  _ ol’ webshooter  _ card isn’t in Michelle’s hand. With a quick look around the room, either the other Avengers aren’t reacting to the card, or nobody has it. Just imagining the look on Peter’s face is priceless enough. 

Tony lifts a black card from the pile and clears his throat. “I’m going to regret this,” he says. “Blank. Good to the last drop.”

Michelle studies her cards. Wanda’s creative; they’re all good and all would probably get a laugh out of at least  _ one  _ person at the table. She leans back, angling the cards towards Peter. “Any ideas, nerd?”

Peter shrugs. “You know how bad I am at this game.”

“Oh, so I’ll be carrying your dead weight?” she scoffs. “When we win, you don’t get any of the credit.”

“That’s  _ so  _ unfair.”

“Do you hear yourself right now?”

“Do I have to put you two in time out?” Tony interrupts. He gestures at the table. “Put a card down, children. We’re waiting on you.”

Wow. That was fast. Michelle sets a card down and draws a new one, leaning back. She makes a point to hide her cards from Peter. If he’s not gonna help, he’s gonna be kept in the dark. That’s just how it be sometimes.

“Okay.” Wanda pulls up the white cards. “H.Y.D.R.A. Good to the last drop.”

Bucky’s face twists. “Who the hell put that down?”

“You said you know how to play this game.” Michelle says accusingly. “The whole point of the game is to make your answers as fucked up as possible.”

“That’s  _ too  _ fucked up,” he retorts. 

She shrugs noncommittally. “It’s Peter’s fault.”

_ “Anyway,”  _ interrupts Wanda, setting down another white card. “Rappin’ with Cap. Good to the last drop.”

“That’s valid.” Peter muses.

“And Asgard. Good to the last drop.”

“Ouch.” Natasha says. “Good thing Thor’s not here.”

“Well, these kinda suck.” Tony says. He looks at Wanda. “Rappin’ with Cap wins.” 

“Thank you very much.” Sam replies, taking the black card from the billionaire. He sets it in front of Natasha and himself. “The first time I stumbled on those videos, I was blackout drunk. Funniest shit I’ve seen in my life.”

“They play them at school.” Michelle tells him. “Literally. Every opportunity they get. Gym class. Detention. Every single assembly.”

“It was for a good  _ cause,”  _ complains Steve. “They said that it was just to boost school morale after the Battle of New York.”

“Everyone loves staring at Steve Rogers first thing in the morning, though.” Peter points out. “Also, our principal’s grandpa was in the Howling Commandos, so he’s a little more attached than others.”

=

“What am I giving up for Lent?” Michelle reads. Her phone buzzes in her pocket, so she takes the opportunity to check her messages. Ned’s asking questions about the Government homework, but she hasn’t started it and probably won’t until free period. There’s a text from May about dinner next week, and another from Clint, except Lila probably stole his phone because it’s a picture of her and Cooper holding up arrows that she  _ knows  _ they shouldn’t have found. 

“Wanda, why did you write  _ orange slices  _ on a card?” Peter asks, picking up the cards that the teams have put in.

Wanda shrugs. “Scott Lang has an obsession with them,” she says. “I think it’s funny.”

“Oo-kay.” he says. “Well, anyway, what am I giving up for Lent? Orange slices, Mjolnir, and—oh, shit. Oh, this one’s the winner. The Sokovia Accords.”

Michelle chokes on her spit as she lets out a laugh. The expression on Tony’s face makes her laugh harder. “Holy shit,” she says. “Who put that one in?”

“Guilty.” Steve says, holding his hand out for the card. “I’m surprised you had to ask.”

=

“Why am I broke?” Natasha reads, holding the next black card in her hand.

“That one.” Peter says, pointing at the card Nat had snatched from Michelle earlier. “Play that one. Man, I wish Clint was here.”

_ Me too,  _ says Michelle, but she’s not about to get sentimental in front of a group that would definitely hold it over her head. She sets her card down in front of Natasha. “I’m winning this round,” Michelle tells her.

Natasha grins. “Of course you are.”

“Hey.” Tony protests. “That’s cheating. No fair.”

“Since when have we ever been a fair group of people?” Sam fires at him. 

“Don’t go there, Wilson.”

“Oh, I’ll go there.”

“I’m not even reading the other cards.” Natasha declares, throwing the white ones in the discard pile. “Michelle wins.”

“That’s not how this works.” Bucky mutters.

“Why am I broke?” the redhead repeats, handing the black card to Michelle and Peter. “Having a secret family that nobody knows about.”

Tony snorts. “I’m still convinced they’re just small agents. How the hell did he keep them a secret for so long?”

“You’re just jealous because Clint didn’t trust you enough to tell you.” Natasha retorts with a smile.

The billionaire looks a little miffed. “Next round, please.”

=

“Step one,” reads Bucky. “Blank. Step two, blank. Step three, profit.”

“For this, put your first card on the top.” Wanda instructs. So the card on top is the first one you read.”

Sam pulls two cards from his pile and looks at Natasha, who hides her amusement behind a carefully-crafted expression. Michelle can see it in her eyes, though. Sam sets them down in front of Bucky. Michelle sets two down next, followed by Tony and Wanda. Peter’s scrolling through his phone, but she figures they’re not going to win this round anyway.

“Okay.” Steve holds up the first pair of cards. “Step one, Thor, god of sparkles. Step two, Loki, the trickster god. Step three, profit.”

“Could you imagine if somebody tried to make a sitcom based off of those two?” Peter says, finally looking up from his phone. “Like, Jim Carrey as Loki and Daniel Craig as Thor.”

“First of all, awful choices.” Tony says, staring at Peter like he’s grown a second head. “Second of all, awful idea.” 

“Why are you such a bully?”

“It’s in my nature.”

“Step one, Nick Fury. Step two, S.H.I.E.L.D. Step three, profit.” Steve sets the second pair of cards down, then looks at third and lets out a surprised laugh. “Step one, Iron Man. Step two, getting beat up by Captain America. Step three, profit.” 

“It was  _ one  _ time,” Tony says, throwing his own cards down like a child throwing a tantrum. “One time! Which one of you traitors put this one down? You’re out of the team.”

“Eat shit, Stark.” Natasha says sweetly. She accepts the black card from Steve with a velvet smile. “I’ll be reminding you of that  _ one time  _ until the end of time.”

“Whatever, Romanoff.” Tony pulls another black card from the pile. “Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us blank.”

Michelle draws a new card from the pile and it takes everything out of her not to laugh. “Put it down, put it down, put it down,” chants Peter, grinning and nudging her shoulder. She does so, placing it on top of Sam and Natasha’s card. 

“Should I be scared?” says Tony, lifting the cards once Steve and Bucky set theirs down. He shuffles the three cards for a moment and then flips them over. “Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us Black Widow.”

“Damn straight.” Natasha muses. 

“Who has granted us the Infinity Stones.” Tony reads. He makes a face. “Nope. I hate that. God knows the next evil asshole we face is going to be someone who’s obsessed with those. I reiterate my statement from earlier. These aren’t funny.”

Michelle’s unable to stop the grin on her face. “Read the next one.”

Tony sighs. “Blessed are you, Lord our God, creator of the universe, who has granted us—America’s ass.”

The entire room bursts into laughter. Steve is bright red. “Oh my  _ God,  _ Wanda,” Sam wheezes, hands on his knees. “Where the hell do you come up with this?”

Michelle can’t remember the last time she’d seen Wanda Maximoff smile this wide. “I’ll never reveal my secrets.”

=

Peter picks up a black card. “What’s the gift that keeps on giving?” he inquires.

Wanda slams a card down faster than Michelle can even blink. Tony gives her a confused look. “Trust me,” says the witch, tapping her fingers along the top of her stack of cards. “You’ll thank me later.”

“All in?” Peter asks. He pulls the three cards up and reads: “What’s the gift that keeps on giving? The star-spangled man with a plan, that’s valid. I like that one. The Hulk’s bare ass. Nope, I hate that. Thanks for that terrifying mental image. And—”

_ “Thank you,”  _ says Michelle, while Peter makes that oh-so-familiar choking sound beside her. “Wanda, I love you. Thank you.”

“I don’t want to know.” Tony says, muttering to himself. He shakes his head while Michelle hands the black card to Wanda. “I don’t want to know. Why did I agree to this?”

“Because it’s fun, Stark.” Michelle replies. 

“I hate you.” Peter says to Wanda.

Natasha raises an eyebrow. “Are we even going to read the card aloud?”

Michelle grins. “The gift that keeps on giving: the ol’ webshooter.”

Steve makes a face. “C’mon.”

“That’s the best card in the history of cards.” Michelle says. “I’m keeping it. Can I frame it? I want it framed over my bed.”

“You’re awful.” Peter tells her.

She grins. “I don’t hear a  _ no.” _

“Moving on, please.” Tony says tightly. “That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard and I want to forget it immediately.”

“Okay, okay.” Natasha crosses her legs and picks up a black card. “During sex, I like to think about blank.”

“I hate this game.” Tony mutters.

Once the cards are in, she reads them off. “Genetically engineered super soldiers, getting choked by Thor’s cape, Pepper Potts. Super soldiers wins.”

“Thank you very much.” Wanda says politely, and she takes the black card while Steve and Bucky exchange glances. 

“Who the fuck put Pepper?” Tony demands. “I just wanna know.”

=

“What gives me uncontrollable gas?” Steve reads. He looks at all three white cards and laughs. “Tony Stank,” he says, setting them down. “Tony Stank wins.” He gives the card to Michelle and Peter, who high-five.

_ “Stank?”  _ Tony repeats.

“My mistake,” says Wanda, though her expression says it definitely wasn’t.

“Funny.” Tony deadpans. “I didn’t realize this game was called  _ Attacking Tony Stark.” _

“You’re very easy to make fun of.”

=

Wanda clears her throat. “After months of practice with blank,” she says, “I think I’m finally ready for blank.”

“We’re gonna get killed if you put that down.” Peter says, so quiet that only Michelle can hear him.

So, naturally, Michelle puts the cards down without another thought. “Coward,” she says back, before he protests.

“Oh, my God.” Wanda says. Michelle thinks there are tears in her eyes. “I’m not even reading the other ones. After months of practice with King T’Challa, I think I’m finally ready for a vibranium dildo.”

“Okay,” says Tony, completely disgusted. “No more. That’s some nasty shit. We’re done. Pack it up.”

“But that’s the whole point of the  _ game!” _

“I don’t care, Spider-baby.” Tony retorts. “I’m serious. That was over the line. You deserve this.”

“It wasn’t me!” he protests. “It was MJ!”

Uh oh.

Tony turns on her. “Is it?” he asks, grinning in a way that makes Michelle want to crawl into a hole and die. 

“Don’t you dare.” Michelle threatens.

“Have you seen your girlfriend’s lockscreen, bud?” Tony says, still looking right at Michelle. “I think it’s pretty adorable. MJ, why don’t you show him your lockscreen.”

“It’s  _ Michelle  _ to you.” she snaps. “Also, you’re dead.”

“Aw, is that me?” Peter sing-songs, grabbing Michelle’s phone to inspect her background. He looks up at her with a shit-eating grin. “Look at me. I’m so cute.”

“You’re so annoying.” Michelle replies, snatching her phone away from his grasp. 

“You have such a cute boyfriend,” he continues, acting like she hadn’t spoken.

She narrows her eyes at him. “Keep talking about it and I’ll change it the picture I took with America’s ass over there.”

Peter has the decency to shut his mouth. 

Steve, however, hangs his head and lets out a sigh. “Thanks, Wanda. That nickname’s not going anywhere anytime soon.”

“Definitely not.” Wanda says with a growing smile. “It’s got an Instagram page.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“It’s verified.”

“This is why I don’t have social media.”

“Yeah.” Bucky says, clapping his shoulder. “That and you wouldn’t know how to use it.”

“This was really fun,” says Michelle, shrugging her coat onto her shoulders. “We should do this again sometime.”

The look on Tony’s face is priceless. “No,” he says. “Absolutely not. Wanda’s lucky I’m not going to burn that shit the minute she turns her back.”

But Wanda has different ideas. Once the billionaire walks away, she grins. “Come back next weekend,” she says. “Invite Ned. We’ll have a game night. I’ve got more than just this up my sleeve.”

“I think I’m in love with you.” Michelle says seriously.

“I’m standing right here.” Peter says pointedly.

She punches his arm. “I know.”

=

Later, once Michelle’s back at home, she sends Peter a Snapchat to let him know she got back safely. In the Snapchat is just her forehead and the newly-framed card hanging above her bed, in Wanda’s handwriting:  _ the ol’ webshooter. _

Peter leaves her on read. She decides that’s fair.

**Author's Note:**

> idk y'all just validate me i worked so hard.....this probably sucks i love u all bye


End file.
